Old, new, borrowed and blue
By: Martyn |
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For once, borrowed isn’t a term applicable to the players recruited by the club thus far. However, I’m sure that’ll change come the last day of August when through the usual combination of sheer amateurism and blind panic we bring in the 2009/10 model of Eddie Johnson on weekly wages that amount to the accumulative sum of MPs expense claims. So while the middle-classes and the BBC staff in its entirety migrated to a field in Somerset owned by a guy who persists in putting a wig on his chin rather than his scalp, Cardiff City were busy selling players the dream. Here are the latest recruits.
THE NEW AND BLUE
Mark Hudson, 27, CB, £1m (from Charlton Athletic)
There are a number of reasons why one could be wary/pessimistic about the capture of a man who may or may not own a woman’s fashion store with a sibling. For starters, last season he played every week in the Championship’s worst (too kind?) side. Secondly, he’s here for an “adventure”: This isn’t the bloody Scooby Doo show, son! Our hearts could do without Surrey’s version of Indiana Jones adhering to a dictionary definition of adventure - a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome - this campaign. Thirdly, he may be 27 years old but it hasn’t all been plain sailing or regular game time. And last but not least is the fact that Hudson is clearly a pupil at the Pelé School of Quotes i.e. whatever he says, the opposite will happen. Take for example the reasons why he deserted Palace last summer. Hello again former mistress, Miss League One? Eek! Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City News
Vintage PR
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Cardiff City chairman Peter Ridsdale has never exactly been the shy and retiring type, but surely there comes a time when even he realises that it’s not just best for the rest of the world that he shuts his portly gob now and again, but himself. Prior to the start of the 2008/09 campaign, I penned this piece dissecting some of the rubbish emanating from the goldfish fan’s overused organ. Here is a snippet that encapsulates the man’s sheer incompetence when it comes to running football clubs (I won’t even begin to penetrate the triumphs of his Leeds United reign):
Meanwhile, Hasselbaink was not wanted anymore, but a clause in his contract entitling him to another season had been activated despite the Bluebirds claiming they had a verbal waiver, and City could now face legal action.
“Hindsight is a wonderful thing,” observed Ridsdale.
“Should I have ordered Jimmy to sign something? Probably. But when someone tells you their word is their bond well you do like to think that would be enough.”
This is so bad that it warrants no further explanation. But if ever you wanna *borrow* a fiver for lunch and the bus then Pete’s your man. Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsBallon d’Bluebird also-rans.
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My apologies for a lengthy delay between this post and the corresponding one. The unexpected arrival of a British heatwave - a BO arousing, whopping 18°C as I type… STOP sniggering - coupled with the paucity of yours truly packing his trunk and sauntering off abroad this summer (unless next week’s Download festival in England counts?) ensured that my free-time was spent submitting myself as a human pie in the sun’s oven. The fruits of such labour are that I’ve managed to lighten the colour of my Indie ‘do, ditch the rigours of getting dressed and all that entails, and escaped my plakky sun lounger white skin tone. Alas, its not quite BBQ’d patty brown just yet, but thankfully neither is it uncooked patty red. I ensured that my chest was exposed so as to permeate my entire legally-visible figure with tanned lusciousness, thus avoiding that Hank Hill look. Not that any of this matters because beauty is only sk… blah blah… and blue is the colour!
Moving on to the task at hand, and in my last outing on The Offside I crowned Ross McCormack as Cardiff City’s player of the season. One can only imagine the hollering and back-slapping that ensued as the squad gathered round the PC in Enckelman’s dad’s spare room to read just who was being bestowed with such honourable recognition and a sexy title to boot. Unfortunately, due to financial reasons the trophy was only metaphorical, although if Ross really wants one I’m a whiz with crayons, paper and scissors. But why McCormack, dejected fellow players and you ask? Here’s why and where the others bombed, fell short or did well enough to breach even the top trillion. Also, being The Riddler that I am, you can play a game with the accompanying thumbnail photographs and play Guess Who?. The clues, naturally, are in the names of the player. Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsBallon d’Bluebird
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Ahhh, awards ceremonies. The much-utilized way of expressing gratitude when a slap on one’s tush and a “Good job, sport” from the man too posh for idle water-fountain chit-chat and polystyrene cups of Maxwell House just will not suffice. I immediately hasten to add that this isn’t the bitter lampoonery of an under-appreciated lackey longing to pull a folded scrap of A4 from his breast pocket adorned by the names of second aunties, my Armenian Tondrakian priest and childhood pets. No, I used to quite enjoy the end-of-season presentation nights at the local rugby club with my football team throughout primary and secondary school age. 
From the bashful pre-pubescent Martyn who combined fetching the crummy plastic trophy post-generic compliment from Alan the manager with saying something wacky down the microphone to the amusement of my Adidas Popper-clad Panda Pop-swigging pals, through to trudging/snatching/rejecting matriarchal praise until she stopped saying I wasn’t old enough to have more than 2 pints. For Christ’s sake woman, I’m 14 with a thicker ‘tache than Dad’s and street cred to maintain!! You may find all this wistful nostalgia more akin to Kerim Bey on the train in From Russia With Love, rather than it serving an insightful purpose: but I have digressed for a reason. Award ceremonies can go beyond metaphorically smooching the rounded portions of the anatomy located on the posterior of the pelvic region, as epitomized by the social importance of the aforementioned ones I would attend every May. Nevertheless certain award ceremonies are specifically designed to mean more than just a knees-up and a night off for the wife, and offer a necessary acknowledgment of the valiant and heroic efforts of a particular individual. Sometimes however, these can veer into the former description too heavily and dilute what is supposed to be an occasion upon which deserving qualities are saluted and rewarded. Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsWe were making love by Wednesday/and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday/we chilled on Sunday
By: Martyn | 2 Comments
We may have contrived to avoid making the play-offs (perhaps the players were told by Jon Parkin in the Deepdale tunnel that they contained swine flu?), but that doesn’t mean Cardiff City FC has ceased to be newsworthy during a time when loan players set off into the proverbial sunset (unless they’re fans of Corrie or Eastenders, in which case they’d delay their departure) and Bothroyd & co. finally get to spend some of their wonga on syphilis and sour mash in naff Mediterranean or Caribbean beach resorts. In this Friday-Friday round-up, not only will you get the latest news swirling in and around the city and club’s HQ, but a look at what impact the transfer guff being true might have, facts and figures inserted at random but acting as the deus ex machina to the tabloid trash, why playing on a certain day in this time period would have been duller than the love-child of John Major and Fearne Cotton, a look at how the youth team has been getting on and a birthday dedication to one of City’s zeros. Heck, the only thing I’m not offering you is my say on *EXPENSESGATE* or a personal-waiter serving chianti and sprinkling Parmesan!
Friday 8th May
The battle for not-so-deadly Ledley commences! Iiiiiiin the blue corner, weighing in at the mass of Fellaini’s Ronald McDonald crop, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEERTOOOOOOOOOON! Iiiiiiiiin the red and white corner, weighing in with another annoying rendition of that shite Tom Jones song, STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE! And, ladies and gentlemen, the final competitor, in the claret and blue corner, weighing in at a moral zero owing to losing their dignity after going down on a former Big Brother contestant, not to mention importing illegal Argentinians, its WEEEEEEEEEEEEST HAAAAAAAM!!! £6m is supposedly what it would take for Ledley not to be allocated a locker at Legoland. On a list of highest single transfer fees paid for Welsh players, being the Six Million Pound Man would put Ledley (Majors) in 4th spot. Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsWould Birmingham City have gone up with Tom Heaton as their keeper?*
By: Martyn | 3 Comments
In light of the news that Cardiff City have signed their four-thousandth keeper in the space of two seasons, I began to wonder if we’ve been so willy-nilly with regards to signing shot-stoppers because they’re a flushable member of the team and begging, stealing and borrowing has made savvier financial sense. Or, if it’s such a key position that we’ll try and try again until we find the perfect man for the job. The easiest way to compare and contrast the fortunes of teams and their net-tenders (the examples I present have featured most regularly or are considered first-choice in spite of an injury cutting short their campaign) in this division is by using the ostensibly superficial age and experience measure. I realise that statistics are often misleading - as is focusing on one sole position on the field of play when 11 cogs comprise the team machine - but looking at the list of Championship custodians of choice from the 2008/09 season I do believe a pattern emerges illustrating that experience is priceless. So many teams play nigh-on identical tactics and formations at this level that there really is no goalkeeper who features in a team with the media-fabricated Keegan-philosophy of ‘You score 9 and we’ll score 10′, and as a result perhaps comparisons using this method aren’t as futile as first appears.
(Team/age/keeper/total league career appearances) Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsLeast impressive opposition players at Ninian Park this season XI.
By: Martyn | 4 Comments
The tradition of the court jester, a man who would amuse courtiers and monarchs with his antics and jokes, is ancient. Most people associate jesters with medieval and Renaissance Europe, but in fact the practice of retaining a jester or fool goes back beyond the birth of Christ. In the modern era, jesters can still be found.
So explains the website I may or may not have googled (is this not a verb yet? The red squiggly line underneath it on my screen indicating not…) to find this semi-lazy introduction, Wisegeek. But it speaks the truth; jesters are still to be found in the modern era, and at least 11 22 have been sighted and enjoyed at Ninian Park recently! Acting as a follow up of sorts to my recent post ‘Most impressive opposition players at Ninian Park this season XI‘, I hereby present you with the polar opposite performers. Men and lists… is there anything us blokes love more, eh? The players who comprise this rather unflattering anti-Harlem Globetrotters are guilty of blunders that make the incumbent Raith Rovers-supporting PM look competent, acts of violence dwarfed only by a Philippine man battering a mouthy Mancunian in some place named after an Elvis song, or performances emptier than a Mexican prostitute’s work diary. They’d probably have given the City a run for their money in the last few weeks mind. Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsSave your tears for onion chopping
By: Martyn | 7 Comments
What a rotten way to end the season. What a rotten end to our near-century spell at Ninian Park. The nonagenarian did not deserve to be deprived of a glorious play-off semi-final for us fans to offer our final goodbyes and celebrations. I feel like I should be -
But in reality, it’s this dictionary definition that sums up today.
Yeah yeah, revel in it, Jacks and Lilywhites.
As I noted in my post last week (and in the comment section, Toby pointed out a similar occurrence during Dave Jones’ time as Wolverhampton Wanderers manager), there are just too many players in the first team who realised that Cardiff City Football Club gaining promotion was of no benefit to their careers, bank balances or family lives whatsoever.
As for the game itself, errors, a lack of urgency, defensive mistakes (chiefly from Purse and Heaton), anonymity in centre midfield/up-front/on the flanks, poor set-piece distribution and plain lethargy saw us blow it. Spectacularly, when you consider that automatic promotion was still likely just over a week ago. The 6-0 defeat at Preston North End not only started the disastrous spell, but also proved to be the deadliest knife in our corpse as we finished LEVEL on goal difference with the Lancashire side and would have gone up if only we had lost that game 5-0 or 6-1. McCormack’s 2 missed penalties in our last 4 games proved costly. But then so did lots of other stuff. Need I remind you of the amount of last minute equalizers we conceded this season?
So you know, a bit of this in relation to continued unwavering support of my local football club, a bit of this because in the grand scheme of life (and football) a lot worse things can and could have happened, and weeeeeell, a little bit of this because there is some repressed emotion in me waiting and wanting to escape.
But ultimately, if the word ‘collapse’ became anthropomorphic and wound up in a karaoke bar singing this little Pet Shop Boys number, I’d have to answer yes.
Thanks Dave, thanks boys. Oh, and enjoy the beach Jay.
Category: Cardiff City NewsPowerade-quaffing surrender monkeys
By: Martyn | 2 Comments
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
This Spike Milligan effort has been hailed in some quarters as the funniest joke ever. However, said joke is now beginning to experience squeaky-bum time on that lavish throne of hers with Cardiff City’s end-of-season form threatening to climax with one of the worst capitulations/best punch-lines in the history of jokes/the club (there is a certain collapse in the history of Dave Jones the manager to challenge it mind you…) and rightfully assume the crown of funniest joke ever. The Pope (see above) clearly didn’t bless Ninian Park well enough… Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City NewsWith Tamer TUNA on the scene, why did Mark FISH retire?!
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Were Jack Nicholson to make something rotten happen in Gotham City during the afternoon of December 25th, a bloated Bruce Wayne would be in a bit of pickle. Or a post-dinner chocolate and eggnog-fuelled haze of lethargic sofa-lazing. With his employer attempting to get into his trusty suit, Alfred Pennyworth would only be able to utter one thing in that icy manner of his: “Sir, it just is not happening”. Replace the preface of ‘Sir’ with ‘Lad’, ‘is not’ with ‘ain’t', a posh English-accented butler and his wealthy but turkey-stuffed aristocrat master with two twenty-something status-equal Welsh boys, make the general tone angrier and pronounce the word ‘happening’ in a Cardiffian and 3 pints o’ John Smith’s-induced drawl, and you have the exact sentence that I spat to my mate Steve at the Valley (of the Dead, “Can you hear the Charlton sing, noooo, noooo…” etc) during Tuesday’s 2-2 draw against a team set to battle it out against the likes of Hartlepool United, Yeovil Town and maybe even Bury next season (Offensive? Not as much as Paul Parry’s idea of *effort*). Why the long-winded intro? Well after watching City embarrass themselves toiling against a wretched Charlton Athletic, I resorted to making my own fun in noting my musings on the match during the coach ride home to South Wales in the wee hours of Wednesday! Read the rest of this entry »
Category: Cardiff City News
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