A TV show on at 11am Sunday morning that was a bit more lively than all the cookery and religious ones.

By: Martyn | April 6th, 2009

Not being fans of HD-regular Premier League sides, us lower league lovers tend to treat our team making an appearance on the box as a bit spesh. This pseudo-excitement tends to overlook the fact that the coverage does not really impact on your match-day experience save for obnoxious acquaintances who proudly display AIG on their ribcage 24/7 getting to see a bit of your team and thereby using the opportunity to text you during the game whatever insightful knowledge Football League co-commentator Don Goodman has just bestowed upon the (relatively uninterested) general public, or something to stoke the pandemic lads-on-tour/Soccer-AM-with-a-hangover banter like “Fort u sed Kormac was gd lol?” On a lesser scale, the only one or two other titbits manifestly noticeable about TV Game would be the erection of a temporary studio in the most awkward and least impeded area of the decrepit ground, and a few more of those grey Basil Brush tails on sticks lying about the place than normal.

Alas, inside Ninian Park yesterday morning you could sense more than ever the fact that we (and I) were part of a TV show that was essentially being conducted by someone on the Murdoch payroll rather than 22 men in shorts and a portly Liverpudlian and skinny Spaniard. This you see, was a derby game. Sorry, DERBY GAME. One would imagine whatever pundits gathered in the studio (a studio in Old Trafford, from what I could fathom upon re-seeing the goals/’analysis’ on Sky Sports News later that evening) were asked the generic derby-day question, “So what does this derby mean to the clubs?” The reply from someone who ten minutes before receiving the handiwork of the girls down in make-up went on BBC Football to check the league table, did a bit of Google Map to see the distance between the two towns and Wikipediad (is it a verb yet?) the star player from each team would have been the same codswallop given by every balding ex-player ever given the impenetrability a 10-second answer slot allows to tackling this unique kinda question before the commercial break: “Ohh, it means everything. To the fans, the players, the tea lady, the guys who put the bins out…. Everything.”

Elsewhere, a single-lens telescope-esque camera eyeballed the crowd in the Family (Canton) Stand behind the goal with all the intimidating menace of a Barry Ferguson face scratch. The camera’s real purpose one would imagine was to capture the money-shot – small child in face paint and replica shirt looking dejected in the event of a Swansea goal/win, despite the fact that said young ‘un is probably more rainy-faced because the batteries on his DS have gone flat and he spilt his bag of Wotsits on the floor. White-van-man-football-fan and the vast Police presence also gave this TV show a touch of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical about it in terms of colour. The stadium and mise en scene was awash with pink (Lacoste ’salmon’ polo shirts favoured by perma-tanned, grey-haired up-for-a-ruck-in-the-80’s sorta fan), fluorescent yellow/green (Stewards and Police with riot gear Darth Vader style hats on), as well as the sea of mandatory Cardiff blue and the segment of Swan white. The players, ever the willing Thespians, did their bit too. You had City captain Joe Ledley with his t-shirt sleeves rolled up so as to flash everyone a bit of toned bicep, as is the fashion these days. Thankfully, our captain’s upper arms are minus the dodgy Maori/Celtic/Tribal tat’s… for now. Then there was Paul Parry copying his TV soap diva heroes with a brilliant bit of am-dram upon losing the ball in the second half. Chasing back and retrieving? Pfft, that’s for squares. Nah, Paul was much more content to do the all-over body anger/frustration thing, concluded with a head shake that you just know was given a replay on slow-motion with beads of sweat departing Parry’s chin, forehead and bangs. Such has been the effect of Parry in certain games this season mind, a TV diva like Bet Lynch or Peggy Mitchell might have done a better job out wide.

Swansea City’s players followed their set directions too. Jordi Gomez, handsome and Mediterranean with the kind of a look that means he’s destined to have an affair with someone’s wife (even if it’s just on a Daz advert should his soccer career go down the pan) spent the game doing his best Tom Daly impressions. I imagine he has a lot of fans in China given that particular sport’s popularity in the Far East. Fair play to the on-loan Espanyol man though, he’s very good at winning free-kicks. He ain’t half bad at taking them too. The same goes for corners. A fine blend of cheetah-like pace, Scaramanga-esque Golden Gun precision, and sprinkled with Hugh Hefner’s consistency. And last but not least, you had Swansea City’s unused substitute Tom Butler. Tommy, as that Norn Iron anchor on SSN insisted on calling him upon drawing my attention to this incident, received his marching orders after the final whistle! What a fine way to conclude this televisual spectacle before the impending advertising break and dramatic music telling you what more important than life clashes were coming up on the monopolising broadcaster in April.

Of course, all puns and humour aside, one unsavoury incident threatens to tarnish the memory of a very good game and what was probably the last ever South Wales derby at Ninian Park. Not that potential retribution for the club is the main issue here: The danger posed to those on the field by lowlife morons who feel the need to throw stuff onto the pitch is despicable and a genuine worry. The culprit has thankfully been apprehended, but once again, there are one too many arrests for followers of this club. All the talk in the papers and on 24 hour sports news channels has centred on this reckless act, but I suppose such issues must be drawn attention to even if it means taking some of the gloss off an important league encounter and a game of football worthy of attention of neutrals continent-wide. Such publicity of and a rallying against is therefore necessary, but then so are debates (and ensuing action) on measures that must be implemented to try and prevent such incidents occurring again. Of course, this is wishful thinking unless bullet-proof glass windows are introduced or fans given stadium bans as such actions are a reflection less on football and more on society. Yet the way the two go hand-in-hand must be scrutinised because this sport more than any other hosts such ugly incidents.

One further light-hearted take on the incident – jumping back into the way that the game was a TV programme more than anything else – is instigated by the Sky cameraman located nearest the incident. His secondary instinct, after focusing on injured party Mike Dean’s newly acquired cut and capturing it from every angle possible, was to search the ground for the weapon. Obviously the obsession with capturing every minuscule detail of this attack is rather queer as it is, but one can only hope or imagine that such a broadcaster-led investigation into the incident was thereafter further tackled by the assembled throng of presenters and ex-players positing that money should be banned from football grounds and that maybe the Royal Mint should just stop making coins. With Sky pundits, anything is possible.

So then, the game itself.

2-2 for the second time in 08/09! Steve Tucker called it a “far-from perfect” result. True, but it was hardly a bad one either in what was in many respects our toughest game during the season’s climax. True, we haven’t beaten Swansea or any team in the top 6 this season (a point bemoaned by myself quite recently and all are results that have cost us automatic promotion). But losing this game would have been disastrous and anything other than that was acceptable therefore. We lined up in the usual 4-4-2/4-3-3 in attack formation with Chopra/Bothroyd up top and McCormack resuming his position on the flank but drifting inside when he feels he can threaten. The Swans went with the 4-5-1/4-3-3 that has served them so well this season. Scotland being flanked by Gower and Dyer, and Britton sitting in the centre midfield behind Gomez and Pratley. However, as the game started, you can see that this formation tends to be realised as an unnatural 4-4-2 – I say unnatural because Gower tracks back whereas Dyer supports Scotland in a more wide position. Either Gomez or Pratley would then offer Rangel cover on Dyer’s side of midfield when needed, but with McCormack operating from that side, the threat tended to come from the centre of the pitch anyway so this was accounted for with the 3-man midfield. We’ve struggled to assert ourselves against packed midfields this season, but there was hope with the fact that the Swans passing game may give us the opportunity to surge through against a team willing to find space to pass and move. Unfortunately, the opening goal knocked the proverbial wind out of sails, and thereafter the City tactics seemed to be hitting the ball in the air so that Swansea couldn’t use it and the boys up front could draw fouls. The styles of the teams noted here were true to form (as reflected in the goals scored by the team and the final result!).

Players on show in rank order:

Ross McCormack – Won and scored an injury time penalty decisively, but his overall contribution was pretty good too. He was inventive, incisive, tricky and always presented the enemy with a threat.

Michael Chopra – Chopra was the City player up for the occasion He ran, battled, got into great positions, looked for the ball, and netted. Adopted the role of Pantomime villain in the second half too: He asked De Vries for a swig of water, and upon being presented with the enemy keeper’s bottle, proceeded to empty the contents on the floor!

Kevin McNaughton – His usual gung-ho performance up and down the flank and at the back, McNaughton was also the main reason we got back into the game. It was the wily Scot’s determination to win the ball that saw him chase a lost cause the length of the pitch, and a goal was the team’s reward!

Jay Bothroyd – Not his usual flawless self (went down far too easily, failed to link up with the midfielders or Chopra too frequently, wasn’t arsed with the battle at hand when we went a goal down, squandered a chance in the 94th minute with a poor header), but he displayed several moments of his usual magic that make him so much better than the majority of players out there; most crucially when he squared for our initial equalizer.

Peter Whittingham – Came into the game at a time when we were on top, and this suited the frustrating midfielder perfectly. Displayed his fully array of touchline hugging tricks and genuinely troubled the increasingly bad-tempered Alan Tate.

Stuart Taylor – Very little to do but pulled off two saves.

Joe Ledley – Veered between majestic and pathetic. When Swansea were on top, Ledley wasn’t gonna haul ‘em down. As the team scored and entered the game however, Ledley suddenly wanted a bit. Two examples of his potential brilliance were shown with a brilliant chipped through pass to Chopra (denied by De Vries) in the first half, followed by a clever run into the box ending up with the magic Dutch keeper denying us once again. An example of his ineptitude came with Dyer’s goal when Ledley was too tight to the on-loan Soton man, before being swatted away like a fly and giving up.

Gavin Rae – A late jinxing run into the box almost reaped rewards and was a very intelligent bit of play from the usually shot and attack-shy midfield man. This was the only reason he finds himself up the list this high because maybe he deserves to be lower down owing to the fact that he stood off Joe Allen and let him shoot.

Stephen McPhail – Too sloppy in possession and was absolutely shell-shocked and entirely second best during the first half when the Jacks were in the ascendancy.

Darren Purse – A few nervy moments aside (needless hoofing and dithering), he was relatively competent.

Paul Parry – Spent the first half hour MIA, until a few jinxing runs and shots brought Parry into the game for about 5 minutes. He hopelessly blasted wide with his opportunities when a better finish or a pass would have sufficed.

Mark Kennedy – For someone who used to play in an attacking position out wide, why is Kennedy so incompetent at both shooting and crossing?!! Furthermore, with his lack of pace and defensive awareness at the back being exposed by the handbag thief for the first Swansea City goal, why does Dave Jones persist with such a useless footballer?!

Roger Johnson – Dreadful. His normally reliable defensive attributes even deserted him and he was arguably at fault for both of Swansea’s goals (asleep for the first, too deep for the second). Compound this paucity with his perennial inability to pass and you have one woeful player.

Eddie Johnson – N/A

Coming soon…

Next up, this Wednesday evening, is the rearranged game against Derby County on Saturday. When the original game was scheduled to be played (January), County were in something of a bad spell. Now however, they just nick late draws. 3 points is a must for the Bluebirds, with the Rams destined to end the season lower mid-table.