Ballon d’Bluebird also-rans.

By: Martyn | June 6th, 2009

My apologies for a lengthy delay between this post and the corresponding one. The unexpected arrival of a British heatwave – a BO arousing, whopping 18°C as I type… STOP sniggering – coupled with the paucity of yours truly packing his trunk and sauntering off abroad this summer (unless next week’s Download festival in England counts?) ensured that my free-time was spent submitting myself as a human pie in the sun’s oven. The fruits of such labour are that I’ve managed to lighten the colour of my Indie ‘do, ditch the rigours of getting dressed and all that entails, and escaped my plakky sun lounger white skin tone. Alas, its not quite BBQ’d patty brown just yet, but thankfully neither is it uncooked patty red. I ensured that my chest was exposed so as to permeate my entire legally-visible figure with tanned lusciousness, thus avoiding that Hank Hill look. Not that any of this matters because beauty is only sk… blah blah… and blue is the colour!

Moving on to the task at hand, and in my last outing on The Offside I crowned Ross McCormack as Cardiff City’s player of the season. One can only imagine the hollering and back-slapping that ensued as the squad gathered round the PC in Enckelman’s dad’s spare room to read just who was being bestowed with such honourable recognition and a sexy title to boot. Unfortunately, due to financial reasons the trophy was only metaphorical, although if Ross really wants one I’m a whiz with crayons, paper and scissors. But why McCormack, dejected fellow players and you ask? Here’s why and where the others bombed, fell short or did well enough to breach even the top trillion. Also, being The Riddler that I am, you can play a game with the accompanying thumbnail photographs and play Guess Who?. The clues, naturally, are in the names of the player.

Runner-up: JAY BOTHROYD
Sadly, it hasn’t all been Ibra-esque majesty with the ex-Serie A marksman. For instance, I was left unamused at the start of the campaign by Jay’s zero-goal tally: “I wonder what the return policy is at Wolverhampton Wanderers? Hopefully Dave Jones hasn’t washed the trousers with the receipt in from Bothroyd’s purchase. Even the nice touches are being taken over by clumsy oafish ones and Bothroyd just never, ever looks like he is going to score…” Correspondingly, his performances at the end of the 46-game slog reached a climax in the Ipswich Town game when I described him as “wasteful and just plain cack”.

However, while the pieces of bread have been mouldy and soggy, the filling in the sandwich that was Bothroyd’s season were chicken, bacon, lettuce, cheese, tuna (and whatever else you like in your sandwiches) of the absolute highest quality: The stuff you get in Waitrose or Marks & Sparks. Absolutely scrumptious. From a brace away at Watford and instrumental showings at home against Preston and Sheffield Wednesday, to bailing us out of a terrible performance with crucial goals and just generally being a genius with the ball at his feet in linking-up play and concocting visionary moves. Yum. He even ended up in double figures goal-wise too! A flat start and finish may have destroyed his chance of being recognised as the man of the campaign, but it’s certainly been a resounding success personally so far for Jay down South Wales way.

Bronze Podium: GABOR GYEPES
A Hungarian centre-back more acquainted with battling Sheffield United than their affiliated side Ferencvaros, Gyepes started his season with a yellow card and an own goal against Cheltenham for Northampton Town. He finished it by picking up a yellow card and having a ‘mare against a Roy Keane-fuelled Ipswich Town for Cardiff City. But I promise, in between all that he wasn’t too shabby! Some might reason that Roger Johnson should be higher up in a player of the season vote than Gyepes, but I’ll elaborate on that decision when I reach the lanky one. Gabor Gyepes may be slower than a skunk-smoking snail, but his calming presence and reading of the game has brought tranquillity and certainty to a back-line that switches net-tenders more often than the mornings Alan Sugar chooses to neglect his Mach 3. The ex-Wolves treatment table hogger does the simple things well and doesn’t give the ball away anywhere near as often as those around him. As I noted after another commanding display on Boxing Day in Berkshire: “Gyepes is fast-becoming that defender every club has ~~at least~~ one of: Mr Reliable”.

4th Place: PETER WHITTINGHAM
July 2008 saw me post a guide to the upcoming season in an A-Z fashion. Somehow, I contrived to miss out the letter ‘W’. If I’d noticed this mistake at the time, I probably would have felt it apt given that our most famous player with a ‘W’ surname spent the previous season solely going missing. However, this is not an accusation applicable to 08/09. In a season of contrasting fortunes for the club’s widemen, Whittingham impressed when called upon, even if the feeling lingers that a player with his ability still has so much more to offer. Nevertheless, in second gear the lad who spends more time in Oceana nightclub than his own home (a quick browse on Facebook through friends night-out photos confirms that everyone in the city has cosied up to the ex-Villa player for a snap during the duration of his spell here. The worst thing is, I’m not even exaggerating that much – Whitts is always out on the lash) is better than most and sadly its something of an inevitability that he’ll depart during the current off-season as Jones seems to have grown tired of his sporadic genius.

PW provided my favourite moment of the season with his assist pass for our first goal against Coventry City. It travelled about 40 yards, split Coleman’s defence and midfield, and could not have been any more perfect in terms of precision, flight and height. Truly genius. Whittingham isn’t in such a lofty position because of one impressive performance/pass during a game we won however. Against the City of Birmingham’s second side, the City of Cardiff’s less-famous no. 7 kept at it when others in matching strips had given up: “Shittingham, our best player!?? Yup, shocking innit? But he was. In the absence of Chief Ball Hogger/Ditherer Stephen McPhail, Whitts got involved and made sure he saw plenty of the ball. On the whole, he used it very well even though no killer pass was forthcoming. His set-piece delivery was brilliant and his effort couldn’t be faulted. Well done son.” Great goals, moments of sheer genius, spells of anonymity – the latter of these may irk many, but its a tag that could also be levied at great players like Messi or Maradona and such spells of not-arsed syndrome have done their careers and reputations no harm. So there.

5th Place: PETER ENCKELMAN
Another Villa reject graces the top 5, and seeing as both clubs had horrendous finishes to the bygone season its apparent that perhaps we’re aligned in ways more than us getting hand-me-down’s! Cardiff’s strongest showings coincided with Enckelman’s appearances in the side, the Finn having kept 7 clean sheets and only suffering defeat in the league once. Despite Tottenham Hotspur’s Heurelho Gomes having the ability to pull off world-class saves, he’s generally in the headlines for the wrong reasons. Therefore, the ‘keepers that can be considered inconspicuous are often the most effective: “I cannot express how relaxing it was to have a goalie who can do the basics”. He can kick, he can save, he can command the defence, he can read the game, and he ain’t fussy – what’s not to like?!

6th Place: KEVIN McNAUGHTON
A mate of mine rejected my choice of McCormack as the Ballon d’Bluebird, believing our Scottish RB to be a better shout. He isn’t alone in this view either; the grey-haired right-back certainly doesn’t want for adulation from the Bluebirds faithful. As brilliant a swashbuckling defender and attacker he can be, McNaughton’s game is still permeated by needless errors and headless chicken syndrome. His contribution to the City cause can be encapsulated by my reflections on certain performances of his this season.

Away at Forest, I gushed: “A welcome return to the form we associate with the silver-fox! Harassed, tackled, rampaged, distributed and was the antonym of anonymous. Heralded from us City fans in the stand behind the goal via the medium of football chant on multiple occasions.” Unfortunately, this praise must be compounded with a dreadful non-anomalous showing at Forest’s Midlands rivals Derby County: “Oh dear. This must have been one of his worst showings in a Cardiff City shirt to date. Was at fault with his shoddy and criminal marking at the corner for their goal, and all afternoon his distribution and positioning were off. Things could have been so much worse had Derby not tried to prevail down the Comminges flank so often.” I hasten to add, I’d be gutted to see the fee-free signing depart as he remains a vital element to the side and is prevalent in a lot of our best football.

7th Place: WAYNE ROUTLEDGE
A controversial choice given that he left us in a fashion dirtier than Den and played merely a segment in the Terry’s Chocolate Orange of a soccer season. But the time Routledge spent here was simply joyous. His skill and directness pleased every type of fan from the casual to the cautious. Routledge can beat people at ease and he offered us a cutting-edge and genius out wide that not even an in-form Whittingham can often attain. Don’t believe me? Ask the Jacks or Reading. If Routledge had stayed, we’d have made the play-offs early enough to account for a floppy finish.

8th Place: MICHAEL CHOPRA
A player destined to be remembered as someone who could not hack it in the top flight, Chops didn’t exactly excel on his return to the club and was restricted to mainly spot-kick goals. However, he’s still more than a competent player at this level and he represented a decent bit of business by the club. On his day, Chopra was and is a right pain in the bottom to opposition defenders. Wolves will concur with that: “Chased down every lost cause (turning a ton in his favour), and gave the kind of performance fans dream of their attacker giving – Bending the rules of space and time to find room to manoeuvre, a persistent goal threat and both selfish and unselfish whenever the situation required the relevant trait.”

Lots of toil and crucial goals in games against Reading and the Jacks saw fans re-take the troubled striker to their hearts and shower him with the kind of affection not seen since Mr Jackie Smith and the TV remote after his discovery that there’s more to television channels these days than Richard and Judy. And incredibly, he somehow only picked up 2 bookings which is quite an achievement given the way he mouths at all and sundry every week! While I’m tempted to speculate that he may return to boyhood club Newcastle now that there’s a chance of regular game-time for them, the large likelihood is that he’ll be turning out at our new stadium next season for the home team.

9th Place: ROGER JOHNSON
Everyone may hate poor old Chris, but Roger doesn’t want for attention. Johnson may well shoo away anything that comes near our area, but as I’ve stated ’til I’m puce in the face the only reason we’re stuck defending is because our prospective captain gives the ball away with his dreadful composure and passing accuracy. I know I’ve banged on about this at such a rate that one might deduce I have some kind of personal vendetta against the centre-back who missed just one game this season, but Terry Phillips inserts this note of caution to potential suitors in his take on the rumours linking Johnson with a move: “There is no doubting Johnson’s defensive and man-marking ability, but some observers insist he has to improve his distribution to flourish at the top level.”

I tell you, it’s a huge shame that Johnson is unable to pass/hasn’t been arsed to work on it in the same way that McPhail and Ledley neglect to learn how to use their right feet, but then I suppose if he could distribute it with even a modicum of acceptability then he’d be at one of the bigger Premier League clubs already. Without doubt though there are qualities Johnson possesses that others can only dream of having: During one of our finest away showings at Bramall Lane, Johnson proved to be “dependable, domineering, and proved more difficult to crack than a Private Eye crossword attempted by an insomniac.”Would £5m be enough to let him go therefore? Well, given that buying centre-halves for ridiculously cheap sums of money is a speciality of Dave Jones’s I’m inclined to say yes.

10th Place: DARREN PURSE

The ex-Baggie started the season so exceptionally that Gyepes, a new signing, didn’t get any pitch-time for a few months! At Pride Park, our bald Cockney had me effervescently gushing this hindsight-deprived gem: “How odd and refreshing it was to hear the Darren Purse song emanate from the City support! It’s been ages since that last got an airing. Purse deserved it mind. He’s now starting to back up his persistent and fan-loving noise-making with some consistent and colossal performances – poor old Gyepes! Man of the Match once again, Purse will cement himself in Cardiff City history should he continue in this rich vein of form and lead us into the Promised Land. Its very much early days and I don’t want to tempt fate, but player of the season currently looks set to be a two-horse race between Purse 5 and McCormack 44.”

The love-in continued – take this snippet from my Bristol City match report: “Bristol City tried to exploit his lack of pace by using Adebola as a tool to feed balls in behind the former Brum man. Dealt with the fact that clubs realise he isn’t Real Madrid’s (?) Usain Bolt with consummate ease and composure. A Ninian Park view-obstructing pillar at the back.” He was the type of player from whom you always knew what you’d get: commitment, perfectly-executed tackles, good positional sense, the occasional match-losing blunder. It was this latter ‘attribute’ that led to mistakes against Burnley and Sheffield Wednesday at the tail-end of the campaign. These blotted his otherwise pristine copybook, as did a lengthy spell on the sidelines due to niggles and neglect. Has now flown to pastures new.