It just so happens that Smarties, BBC TV show QI, Pot Noodle condiment sachets, and big dusty books aren’t the only ones with all the answers!

By: Martyn | August 6th, 2008

So there you have it and there you are… blessed with remnants of my non-existent foresight! For clarification and confusion avoidance purposes, the overall table looks/will look like this:

1 Sheffield United
2 Wolverhampton Wanderers
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3 Reading
4 Crystal Palace
5 Birmingham City
6 Swansea City
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7 Ipswich Town
8 Derby County
9 Cardiff City
10 Charlton Athletic
11 Southampton
12 Queen’s Park Rangers
13 Watford
14 Coventry City
15 Norwich City
16 Bristol City
17 Sheffield Wednesday
18 Plymouth Argyle
19 Burnley
20 Nottingham Forest
21 Preston North End
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22 Doncaster Rovers
23 Blackpool
24 Barnsley

Coincidentally, my tip for top netter is Jason Scotland of Swansea City.

Mopping my brow after a heavy session of Championship dark-stabbing, here is how I believe our nearest league siblings will fare. First up, League One.

1 Huddersfield Town
2 Leeds United
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3 Peterborough United
4 Bristol Rovers
5 Northampton Town
6 Leicester City
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7 Brighton & Hove Albion
8 Oldham Athletic
9 Carlisle United
10 Tranmere Rovers
11 Milwall
12 Scunthorpe United
13 Swindon Town
14 Crewe Alexandra
15 Southend United
16 Leyton Orient
17 Milton Keynes Dons
18 Cheltenham Town
19 Hereford United
20 Stockport County
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21 Colchester United
22 Walsall
23 Yeovil Town
24 Hartlepool United

Joining us (?) in the Championship for the 2009/10 season will be Huddersfield, Leeds United and a latterly victorious Northampton Town side (youthful, talented and will carry on with the momentum they gained in the last half of last season) after defeating Leicester City at Wembley in the play-off final. With wily Stan Ternent at the helm, solid centre-backs in Frank Sinclair and Robert Page, a resourceful pacy winger in ex-City man Malvin Kamara, the evergreen Andy Booth up top, and almost 17k season tickets sold, I believe the Terriers will at long last seal a return to the Championship. Look out not just for the Cobblers as this year’s surprise package, but also Bristol Rovers and Posh. League One’s golden boot will find its way to the mantelpiece of Brighton & Hove Albion’s Glenn Murray. The cowardly murderer yet undeniably good player Lee Hughes of Oldham Athletic will give him a run for his money though.

Next, craning our necks up to the (B)Sky(B) and the Premier League.

1 Chelsea
2 Manchester United
3 Liverpool
4 Tottenham Hotspur
5 Arsenal
6 Everton
7 Portsmouth
8 Aston Villa
9 Manchester City
10 Newcastle
11 Middlesbrough
12 West Bromwich Albion
13 Fulham
14 Bolton Wanderers
15 Blackburn Rovers
16 Wigan Athletic
17 West Ham United
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18 Sunderland
19 Hull City
20 Stoke City

Remember folks, this is all hypothetical. As much as I’d love to see us added to the roster for the 2009/10 season, you’ll notice that my Premier League predictions probably don’t dither much from anyone else’s because Good God, it ain’t half dull, overrated, leagues-within-leagues predictable pulp. Same old, same old, although I’m sure Sky Sports will find more new voyeuristic and hollowly-grandeur angles to exploit on The Product. Do though look out for West Ham and Sunderland genuinely struggling, West Bromwich hitting the ground running, Blackburn taking two steps back (give ‘em an Ince, they’ll give you a mile), Arsenal floundering with no defensive midfielder to give Fabregas license to roam, and Chelsea stealing the league title with Manchester United playing alas-not-to-be catch-up. The Club World Cup they oblige to participate in come December will be their undoing; one only has to look at the domestic struggled endured by AC Milan last season, partly owing to their exploits in Japan at Christmas time. Top scorer will be Yakubu of Everton, closely trailed by Carlos Tevez of Manchester United.

Other polishing-rights winners will be:

League Two Going Uppers (in rank order) - Darlington, Lincoln City, Shrewsbury Town and Chesterfield (Dave Penney will hoist another side up after some shrewd and very adept buying for current paymasters Darlington. Adam Proudlock and Clayton Fortune immediately jump out at you, and the potential coup of Hibernian striker Clayton Donaldson would really get the other 23 League Two participants worried. In spite of losing key goalkeeper David Stockdale, the Quakers have enough in reserve to reach the next level. Divisional top scorer will be Grant Holt of Shrewsbury Town, closely shadowed by Leon Knight of Wycombe Wanderers - a team that’ll just miss out in the play-off final)

League Two Delving Downers – Accrington Stanley and Dagenham & Redbridge (Although the former in particular boast a quality midfielder in their ranks – Ian Craney – both clubs will invariably suffer as a result of tight budgets, small gates, and little lure to prospective players)

Blue Square Prem1er Party Poppers – Burton Albion and Stevenage Borough (Another Clough will get his hands on a trophy, and Stevenage will finally make the step up via a Wembley win after so many years of if’s, but’s, and maybe’s. Divisional Top Scorer will be York City’s Daniel McBreen)

Blue Square Prem1er Hearty Poopers – Altrincham, Northwich Victoria, Weymouth, Barrow (Adios, amigos)

FA Cup - Manchester United (consolation, non?)

Carling Cup – Newcastle United (The Magpies clinch a trophy at last, and rename the city KingKevcastle)

Football League Trophy – Southend United (snore)

Club World Cup – LDU Quito (Ecuadorians get revenge on England in the form of Manchester United for their 2006 World Cup Second Round exit)

UEFA Champions League – Real Madrid (after a classic final against Internazionale)

UEFA Cup – Liverpool (Entering after a 3rd place finish/exit in the Champions League group stage)

Ligue 1 – FC Girondins de Bordeaux (Laurent Blanc’s nearly-men of last season become this year’s worthy-men. Ligue top scorer will be Paris Saint-Germain’s Ligue 2 revelation Guillaume Hoarau)

Bundesliga – Bayern Munchen (a monopoly on German talent componded with some very decent exports = just too much for everyone else. Bundesliga top scorer will be Schalke 04’s new boy Jefferson Farfan)

La Liga – Barcelona (life after Rijkaard ain’t so hard. Ruud Van Niistlerooy of Real Madrid will blow the competition away in the scoring charts)

Serie A – AC Milan (Juventus will struggle with their weak defence and trying to please and start two of Amauri/Del Piero/Trezeguet every week. Roma still haven’t invested in a world-class striker to ease the burden on Totti’s shoulders. And Internazionale will be hampered by Mourinho trying to implement a new system. Meanwhile, a vacation from the Champions League coupled with Kaka, Ronaldinho, Inzaghi, Pato, Boriello, Seedorf, Pirlo, Nesta, Maldini, Flamini & co. going full steam ahead elsewhere = league title for the other half of Milano. Capocannoniere will be Alberto Gilardino of ACF Fiorentina)

And that’s a wrap. I’ll be back with some Caerdydd related keyboard bish-bash-boshing in the next day or two!