Least impressive opposition players at Ninian Park this season XI.

By: Martyn | May 6th, 2009

The tradition of the court jester, a man who would amuse courtiers and monarchs with his antics and jokes, is ancient. Most people associate jesters with medieval and Renaissance Europe, but in fact the practice of retaining a jester or fool goes back beyond the birth of Christ. In the modern era, jesters can still be found.

So explains the website I may or may not have googled (is this not a verb yet? The red squiggly line underneath it on my screen indicating not…) to find this semi-lazy introduction, Wisegeek. But it speaks the truth; jesters are still to be found in the modern era, and at least 11 22 have been sighted and enjoyed at Ninian Park recently! Acting as a follow up of sorts to my recent post ‘Most impressive opposition players at Ninian Park this season XI‘, I hereby present you with the polar opposite performers. Men and lists… is there anything us blokes love more, eh? The players who comprise this rather unflattering anti-Harlem Globetrotters are guilty of blunders that make the incumbent Raith Rovers-supporting PM look competent, acts of violence dwarfed only by a Philippine man battering a mouthy Mancunian in some place named after an Elvis song, or performances emptier than a Mexican prostitute’s work diary. They’d probably have given the City a run for their money in the last few weeks mind.

(Digressing ever so needlessly, but one of the Bluebirds story links in the latter sentence is just screaming “PROBE ME” and who am I to say no? Anyway, ‘KENNEDY POINTS FINGER AT CARDIFF TEAM-MATES’. If Kennedy had been able to point a pass anywhere other than out for a goal kick this season then maybe we wouldn’t have ended up knee-deep in 7th-placed mediocrity. Clearly Kennedy has been spending far too much time flexing his chubby digits and perfecting his wagging rather than learning how to direct the obese cousin of the golf ball to a blue-shirted colleague. There was another bit of pointing that the beleaguered and decrepit full-back managed successfully – for Preston – however this season…)

Anyway, MILK ADVERT ACCRINGTON STANLEY line up in a 4-5-1 formation.

Lonergan
McNamee Todd Jenkins Kalvenes
Eboué Ramsey Savage Teymourian Bendtner
Cureton

GK – Andy Lonergan, Preston North End
The Preston North shot-stopper is a local lad and a product of the youth academy. Yet during his side’s 2-0 defeat at Ninian Park, he was only the product of cat-calling and nerves as he kicked like a cross between that infamously grouchy and haphazard mule Buckaroo and a delicate lady doing the can-can. The shaky defence in front of him were clearly not inspired by the dodgy Deepdale dingbat either. With a clown like this in goals, there’s no way that you can consider them as being one of the top 6 te… oh, wait. Crap.

RB – David McNamee, Plymouth Argyle
The Glaswegian entered the field in the 85th minute, the number 16 and his surname acting like country and company of origin stickers on his watermelon green jersey. 5 minutes later, the lascivious defender had been sent off for a lunge on Michael Chopra and said green jersey was already in the laundry bag. Such an early offering of oneself onto an unsuspecting other has not been seen since Nicole Kidman’s rather fetching Chase Meridian character throws herself upon Val Kilmer’s rather rubbish Bruce Wayne about two minutes into Batman Forever. His team lost 1-0, and I was left spluttering “cynical and bloodthirsty”, “gamesmanship at its very worst”, and probably worst of all, “Blackburn Rovers reject”.

CB – Andy Todd, Derby County
His team lost 4-1. But why apportion the blame upon someone who merely came into the game as a sub? Well… “Centre-back Martin Albrechtsen was clearly the scapegoat for something and replaced by the more reliable, less error-strewn Andy Todd. Who then cocked-up and gave Eddie Johnson more room than Danny DeVito in a phone box to score City’s fourth (yup, FOUR!!) goal.” HE LET EDDIE SCORE!!! That’s tantamount to capitol punishment in certain nations I imagine. Reckon that isn’t justifiable to warrant his inclusion? Well that photo pose (surely best saved for one of those creepy late-night dating stations?!) is definitely reason enough. And he looks like the guy who played the albino in the Da Vinci Code.

CB – Ross Jenkins, Watford.
Okay, so he wasn’t playing centre back for Watford during their 2-1 defeat at Ninian Park, but the youngster’s major faux pas meant that I couldn’t leave him out of this side. To be fair, Jenkins had being having a splendid match. For someone so young and inexperienced he read the game like a more experienced pro and therefore, I’ll shuffle him into a more defensive minded role. Anyway, that error. Ross Ross Ross; what were you thinking of? An innocuous City chance was heading out for a goal kick in second half injury time, but young Master Jenkins decided to throw himself in front of the ball in the most odd manner. I can only describe it to you via colourful exaggerated attempts at humour such was the unnatural and complicated motility the Hornets starlet opted for. He was either attempting to headbutt a particularly insulting earthworm (Jim?) on the ground – who perhaps was taking advantage of the fact that he could peek up the players shorts and was mocking Ross’s tackle – but realised mid-motion that the offending invertebrate has identical ends and tried to adjust his body accordingly to strike his blow. Or, his Adam’s apple fancied a bit of the action so he set himself up to quench that particular lust. Truly, the mind boggles, but thanks very much anyway Ross for gifting us that goal and with it 3 points. It proved vital in our bid to reach the much-coveted 7th place in the post-round 46 rankings.

LB – Christian Kalvenes, Burnley
Kalvenes, the fair-haired Norweigan full-back recruited last summer from the Arabs (the pasty ones who wear Lucozade-coloured tops and and play for 3rd place every season), is clearly amused by something in the accompanying photograph. Maybe his less educated team-mates at Turf Moor are standing behind the club’s photographer and, noting the fact that Scandinavia is just one big country with big cities known as Norway and Sweden, teasing poor Kalvenes about his country’s love of Ikea, Abba and Dime bars. He certainly wears an expression that suggests he finds the British a curious sort but must remain polite because soon enough he can retire to the serenity of Bergen and spend his days admiring fjords, listening to black metal and writing a regular witty newspaper column about things such as why one shouldn’t go into business with John Arne Riise! By now you may well be asking the PC screen what any of this has to do with Kalvenes featuring in this list. To be honest, diddly squat. But the Clarets left-back is in this team for a reason after a horror-show for his team during their recent-ish 3-1 defeat in the greatest stadium in Leckwith/Canton/Grangetown. I observed of the game that “if you’re looking for a dud who had 90 minutes of pure stink, look no further than full-back Christian Kalvenes. He conceded needless corners, could not keep up or deal with McCormack, looked shaky and easily hassled, and ultimately, was part of a defence that leaked three goals.”

RM- Emmanuel Eboué, Arsenal
Hey, ho, it’s Sooty & Co., everybody say ‘Hello!’, “HELLO!!”. Well, not quite; its family Eboué. But that picture of him holding a cuddly toy certainly suits the diving softy. His regular inclusion in the Arsenal first-team has Arsenal supporters more confused (culminating in sarcastic cheers as he was replaced earlier on this season after a particularly shocking game against one of the Premier League teams beginning with ‘W’, the name evades me. And yes, the Arsenal fans are capable of making noise apparently!) than I was upon hearing the Rolling Stones song ‘Beast of Burden’ for the first time. Why is Mick Jagger singing “I’ll never be your Easter Bunny”, I pondered? Golly, how silly I felt after I checked the title of the song that had me feeling like I’d forgotten all the rude euphemisms I learnt as a youngster (and continue to learn in the world of university at the age of 22 thanks to the Skins and Inbetweeners irony-fuelled Scott Mills generation that characterises us flip-flop wearing VK-guzzlers). During his side’s goalless draw at Ninian Park in this season’s FA Cup, the man from Ivory Coast was plain shocking. He couldn’t shoot, he couldn’t pass, he abandoned his position far too often (a better team would have exploited this) and despite being one of the most experienced players on the pitch he offered no leadership or example-setting to his young and impressionable colleagues.

CM – Aaron Ramsey, Arsenal
Oh dear, oh dear. The much anticipated return of the prodigal son was supposed to be a celebration of possibly the finest talent ever to leave the Cardiff City FC production line and a reminder of just what we had let leave. The ex-Bluebird took to the field in unfamiliar Coca Cola red and proceeded to damage some of the deity status endowed upon him by followers of this club. I don’t mean to be harsher than the Scottish guy’s voice in Perfect Dark 64 (“DUNT JORK!!”) given that he’s young, was undoubtedly nervous and plays for an ever-changing team in which French is the dressing room language, but Ramsey truly was the least impressive opposition player at Ninian Park this season. Nothing he did went right: passing, ball control, tackles, forcing luck to swing his way and for his own sake, he was hauled by Wenger soon enough. Nevertheless, a great player Ramsey will turn into, of that I’m sure. But the sooner he forgets this afternoon the better, and the Gunners board should hunt down Harvey Dent and Jim West so they can use that neutralizer contraption on the Welshman.

DM – Robbie Savage, Derby County
(oh the temptation to draw a queer and scruffy looking penis nestling in Savage’s open lips) I wholeheartedly agree with this Rob Bagchi article on the merits of Savage’s co-commentary skills. I listened to a bit of the game in question on 5live as I got ready to go out and what I heard I liked. Not so good however was Savage’s performance at Ninian Park this season. The epitome of court jester or class clown, Savage’s talents with a ball have never exactly been in abundance as it is, so throw increasing age and wearier legs into the equation and the result sure isn’t/wasn’t pretty. Savage was overrun in the midfield and his team were the only one to concede 4 goals against us this season. I noted: “How Robbie Savage ever made a career for himself in the Premier League is a mystery. His pass completion rate must have been a single-figure percentage last night, and his normally robust style was toned down considerably.” Ouch. Perhaps John Toshack’s nemesis ought to start asking the BBC for more work.

CM – Andranik Teymourian, Barnsley (on loan from Fulham)
Andranik, or آندرانيک تيموريان to our Persian viewers and Անդրանիկ Թէյմուրյան to those of you from Armenia, is a footballer of Armenian-Iranian descent most famous for a spell as super-sub with Bolton Wanderers. I looked forward to seeing him play upon hearing that he had joined the Tykes on loan and was surprised that it hadn’t worked out for him at the Cottagers. However, during the only game he will ever play at Ninian Park – a 3-1 defeat for his adopted side – he was about as ineffectual as the Swiss in a war. All he offered was “an inability to keep his boots from clipping opposition players and his mouth from cussing the referee”. All he got was a whiff of the ref’s antiperspirant and a red card so pointless that Harry Ramsden’s opening a franchise in 1840’s Ireland would have made more sense.

LM – Nicklas Bendtner, Arsenal
Just look at that photo. He looks like a cross between Smith Jarrod from Sex and The City before he shaved his head and an effeminate sales assistant in one of House of Fraser’s snobbier concessions. The Dane made history this season when he became the first battenburg cake to represent a football team. It makes you wonder; how on earth is he from the same nation that gave the football world Stig Tøfting, Thomas Gravesen and Peter ‘Coleslaw’ Schmeichel?? Bendtner was as hopeless as he always is at Ninian Park back in January and were Oddjob, The Penguin and Quasimodo to hit Oceana together they’d have more chance of scoring than the lean lanky lame Dane did (and does). What Bendtner offers is harder to fathom than folk insisting on caking their mug of PG Tips with enough sugar to make an energy drink blush, or why crisp manufacturers insist on ruining peoples lunch by filling their multi-packs with so many ready salted bags?!!

ST – Jamie Cureton, Norwich City
He looks like a member of the Artful Dodger in this photo, and I’m sure he’s not the only person associated with the Canaries who wishes that they could ree-e-wind their season (waaaaaaaaaay!). Cureton certainly had an afternoon to forget for his side during their 2-2 draw with Cardiff. The former Barnsley, Colchester United, Swindon Town, Queens Park Rangers, Pusan Icons, Reading, Bristol Rovers and AFC Bournemouth striker missed a penalty and then had the embarrassing indignity of seeing his replacement score twice. Homer Simpson’s famous catchphrase and the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune are the most appropriate cultural and musical accompaniments to Jamie’s (and then Lupoli’s) poorformance.

Cor blimey, that was exhausting (but hopefully enjoyable). As my mother would make one say to a fellow matriarch upon picking me up from sleepovers and birthday parties as a nipper, thanks for having me!