There’s nothing in Davy Jones’s locker

By: Martyn | February 26th, 2009

Aston Villa have spent the entire season sitting back and hoping to hit sides on the break. In doing so, they are lauded as the saviours of English football. As for Arsenal and their fancy dan foreigners, bah humbug etc. Likewise, Everton and their hit and hope the big lad muscles it goalwards policy sees ex-Preston North End gaffer David Moyes given a pedestal and portrayed as a deity. I never have seen the logic behind such overwhelming praise, nor the idea that it was scandalous that such wonderful British managers like Moyes or Martin O’Neill were overlooked for the recently vacant Chelski job (let alone any *Big Four* job in the past few years). The latter manager spent a ridiculous amount of money on players in the summer in order to bore his way into *The Promised Land*, whereas although the former has admittedly had little to work with in the way of money (in Premiership terms, that is), he did squander almost £16m on a beanpole Belgian with a Saturn-stroking afro for his centre-backs to find in the air. Therefore Roman Abramovich – a man believed to be seeking cups on the back of football that could launch a thousand ships – was of sound mind when he ignored the pandering of Fleet Street for the high-flying duo. Last night’s goalless draw between Cardiff City and QPR was like a Championship meeting of the aforementioned EPL duo with the Bluebirds doing Everton and the ever-willing thespian Rangers playing Aston Villa.

QPR at least did their job admirably. They showed tactical acumen worthy of a manager who has won the Champions League with German and Italian sides, sitting and frustrating and getting the point and clean sheet they penetrated the M4 for. They were wise in leaving Billy Whizz’s twin Wayne Routledge on Mark Kennedy too, and as a result of such ideas they threatened when launching the odd attack here and there. Kennedy is a man so slow, the only reason he gets on the field is to keep the snails and tortoises company. Should any enter the playing surface. This is yet to happen, but presumably word reaches the big cheeses at the club that a deployment of said creatures is imminent, hence the persistent picking of this useless Irishman. Dave Jones said he was MOTM. Myself and everyone else in my section of the crowd were clearly watching a different game.

Here is why we were so awful last night.

- Once again, we’ve signed and are playing a goalkeeper with abysmal distribution. His kicking was always too short and therefore way too easy for the giants that are Delaney, Gorkks and Stewart to deal with. The idea presumably is to kick over the top of such gigantic backlines for our wee men to run on to. If so, get a bleedin’ keeper who can kick in this way!
- We are bereft of any technical ability whatsoever in the centre of the field. Purse and Johnson can’t pass on the ground, Rae is too slow and has the touch of a epileptic rapist, and Ledley is too off/on with his form. Therefore, they – along with Kennedy in the full-back position – resort to hopeless punts upfield every single time they get the ball. The only players willing to work with and use the ball are McNaughton, Burke and Parry (I exclude Whittingham as he didn’t start last night). The latter pair provided the sole pass and move ditty of the entire game. McCormack is happier running with the ball at his feet as opposed to involving team-mates or copying that Peter Kay advert, so I suppose he’s semi-included. Now when these players are having an off night or not getting the ball from the dopes in the centre, we have to rely on Johnson/Purse/Ledley/Rae to start using their loaves. They never have, and never will. Why was this not addressed in January or the summer, or even summer 2007?
- Jones and the squad will argue that QPR made it difficult to break through with the ball on the ground. Well they aren’t the first team In fact, every team bar the likes of Wolves, Birmingham and Reading has come here and done that. So surely we spend every week in training working out how to get round this?
- If we were so determined to go with balls over the top (clearly showing the embarrassing lack of a Plan B at this club) for the entire game, why wasn’t Eddie Johnson even used as a sub in Bothroyd’s absence?! He’s the only player in the attack who offers an aerial threat and this would have justified the odd passing selections of the players.
- Why is it Dave Jones remains motionless and mute for the duration of the game on the sideline? When the players are blatantly disobeying the instructions you just left ringing in their ears as they left the dressing room, surely the need to correct such indiscipline and stupidity is urgent!?

Players rated individually out of 10

Dimitrios Konstantopoulos – Awful, awful, awful. Nervy and didn’t offer or produce one good piece of distribution. 1

Kevin McNaughton – Got injured early on and was subdued in both attack and defence thereafter. Replaced at the interval by Comminges. 5

Darren Purse – Absolutely dire. Slow, wasteful, haphazard, clumsy, I could go on and on. Purse is apparently in a strop about his lack of playing time, but if he watches back a video of this game maybe he’ll do the honourable thing and get his retirement plans ready for the summer. Seriously, how bad must be Dennehy be if he can’t get a game because of Japp Stam’s polar opposite (in all but hair style)?!! 1

Roger Johnson – Yeah, he slides in every now and again and the terraces roar their appreciation. But Johnson is one of, if not the biggest ball relinquishing players in this side and this practically renders him useless. 4

Mark Kennedy – Lacks pace, grace and invention. It’s little wonder Neil Warnock slung him out of Palace midway through a league campaign. 1

Ross McCormack – Burst in to life sporadically, but even regular switching of positions with Parry couldn’t fully thrust his engine into overdrive. 6

Gavin Rae – So bad I age every time he misses a tackle, mislays a pass, gets turned, gets beaten for pace, is caught standing in the wrong position, tries a shot. I ask this question nearly every week, but I’ll ask it again because I’m still not getting an answer fromthe player’s performances: What does he offer? 1

Joe Ledley – Looked tired and without the zest that’s made him shine in recent league appearances. 4

Paul Parry – Pretty anonymous. 4

Michael Chopra – Another who was forced to limp with off an injury. At least Chops looks like he gives a sh*t and if we had given him better service he would given the scoreline a goal that would make the rest of the league sit up and take notice that we as a team and club give a sh*t. 6

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Miguel Comminges – His game is based purely on athleticism and he possesses little else in the way of attributes. 4

Peter Whittingham – Came on and admirably tried to engineer some running infield and make things happen. Whittingham clearly realised it wasn’t working on the wings and that would continue to be that way with a paucity of big men up top. However, he did this only… once, maybe twice. Far too quiet. 4

Quincy – I was excited, borderline aroused upon his arrival at the club. He got 20 minutes for his debut last night, and swung between clueless, anonymous, lazy, clumsy and in need of stabilizers. 3

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Now, I realise matters and performances could be a lot worse. We could be Plymouth Argyle for example. My frustration today after last night’s game is with the lack of effort, skill and understanding the team showed. We’ve overcome tactically drilled 10-behind-the-ballers this season, and thus last night ranks as a disappointment. It’s Soton away on Saturday (probably the last time I and we take this trip for a while seeing as the clubs could soon be two leagues apart!), and thankfully the Saints will come out and attack a tad more given that they occupy the home dressing room. This helps us and allows our pacy players to get in behind their defence and midfield, so here’s hoping for 3 smackeroonies!