Whatever happened to…

By: Martyn | October 14th, 2009

070_CuriousHummingbird A look at where life has taken some of the peripheral signings of the Dave Jones reign.

Jason BYRNE (01/07 – 09/08)
The Irish Gerd Müller was signed for a paltry £100k, and statistically his arrival seemed canny business. Unfortunately for Byrne, Championship-standard football is a pastime played in a vast surface area amongst a plethora of athletic bodies and a fast-moving balloon in a leather jacket: goal-hanging in Bono-land’s native league plainly hadn’t equipped him adequately for this leap in class. Positionally clueless and owner of a first touch that guaranteed his second was a tackle, life with the City had actually started promisingly. A last-minute match-settling debut goal at Wolverhampton Wanderers had myself and many others jumping for joy in the bowels of Ninian Park (away fans were banned for the game so the club screened the match in the old Grandstand bar). Admittedly, he’d foreshadowingly done sweet Fanny Adams in the minutes preceding that inconceivable glory-pounce, but then perhaps every week in the ROI has Molineux-like silver-lining for Byrne as since returning with Bohemians he continues to score at a canter.

Andrea FERRETTI (07/05 – 01/07)
The shy Italian induced copious amounts of homoeroticism from the terraces in spite of failing to do anything meaningful on the pitch: unless you count coming on in a dire Carling Cup tie at home to Leicester City and making Paul Henderson look superhuman. Ferretti’s Otherness – his name ended in a vowel; he was handsome, tanned and archetypally maned; he hadn’t been brought up playing on park pitches that resemble lumpy gravy with sprinklings of green crayon; he wasn’t Alan Lee – was his most endearing quality, as really, the summer 2005 arrival wasn’t all that good.
Joining the club after supposedly being recommended by Sir Alex Ferguson, Ferretti had time for some reserve team run-outs, a poor loan stint with Scunthorpe United, and several cup-comp appearances. He left these shores in 2007 to join perennial Serie B outfit Cesena. However, despite featuring regularly for the side in their relegation season, he did continue to figure prominently until the final day of their successful promotion campaign last time out. His reward wasn’t a bevvie of beauties lolling suggestively in a marbled-bathtub of marinated olives, rather a curt ‘arriverderci‘. You can semi-juxtapose the season being had by the Emilia-Romagnan team with our own, the club currently finding themselves in second position back in B. We’re both doing just fine without Fergie’s tip, who now plies his trade in the peninsula’s regional leagues with Pavia alongside Benito Carbone.

Kerrea GILBERT (07/06 – 05/07)
The queer case of the young wing-back lingers to this day. Joining City on a season-long loan, the Arsenal starlet was tremendous for the first three months. Helping us sail dexterously to the top of the division, Gilbert possessed the attributes of a must-buy for our imminent maiden Premier League campaign. Sadly, that bid collapsed in a manner akin to Gilbert’s form: he disappeared, literally and metaphorically! Rumours abounded that he’d impregnated a local schoolgirl and her father was a tad tumultuous with rugby ball’s conduct. The veracity of all this is open to debate, but clearly something turbulent was going on in Kerrea’s personal life. Gilbert popped back into the team every now and again, mainly flattering to deceive: the healthy combativeness metamorphosed into pig-headed arrogance and immature, Petit Filous-violence; the youthful zest of belief-stuffed flank-rampaging zapped.
Post-City, he skedaddled to the Shrimpers. Nonetheless, his attitude continued to stink worse than the local delicacies of Southend-on-Sea, but Gilbert seemed to finally get his professional (and personal) life back on track at Leicester City during the Foxes’ promotion-winning campaign: a move that re-united him with Nigel Pearson, a coach who’d help rear his talent at England schoolboy level. Currently, Gilbert is back with Arsenal and in the final year of his contract. What does the future hold? A place in the starting line-up for a Carling Cup tie against West Bromwich has been his only competitive game-time so far, although cynics will note the reason he got the jersey for that match was due to Gavin Hoyte being in Egypt for the U20 World Cup. His may not be a story akin to the almighty career balls-ups of Jason Dozzell or Leon Jeanne, but Gilbert might be a talent lost to the detriment of a decent team somewhere.

Luigi GLOMBARD (07/06 – 05/07)
Ahhh Luigi. He really was Kaká. Latter vowel subtracted. Recruited from French side Nantes, Glombard should’ve stuck to being Mario’s partner-in-plumbing. The 1995 Ligue 1 champions are nicknamed the Canaries, and significantly, Glombard’s most epochal outing in blue came against Canaries: albeit those of the Norfolk variety. His performance at Carrow Road was so shoddy that he had the indignity of being hauled off at the interval. Loan spells in Leicestershire and Oldham Athletic amounted to nothing before the inevitable ‘au revoir‘. French third-tier side Niort were next up to offer the winger-cum-striker a seat on the team bus, but after an average final season Glombard finds himself available for weddings, Bar Mitzvah’s, or perhaps even fixing that leaky tap of yours alongside his tubbier brother…

Matt GREEN (01/07 – 05/08)
Superficially, the end result of mixing blue and yellow appeared to be bargain buy from *arch-rivals* Newport County. However, he was never given the opportunities to convince the City faithful he was more than just a speed merchant with a nasty habit of looking rather disoriented. Unsurprisingly, the club eventually let him depart for diddly-squat last summer. Drawing a parallel with Stuart Fleetwood – another young striker on our books who failed to make the grade – Green has since become something of a flat-track bully/goal-getter in the Blue Square Premier. Exercising him at present to aid their unassailable lead at the top of said division are Oxford United.

Mark HOWARD (06/06 – 05/07)
A presumed net-tender best remembered for an infamously woeful performance against TNS in the FAW Premier Cup (a now defunct competition that pitted Welsh *giants* against one another in a battle to win a bowling ball). In all honesty, we’d have been better off pluralising his forename and switching it with the family name, thus bolstering our squad with Howard Marks. The one-time Arsenal custodian now finds himself at St. Mirren. On the bench.

Malvin KAMARA (06/06 – 01/07)
This six-month fling recently helped sports editors on red-tops fill inches after specifying a rather odd pre-match ritual involving Willy Wonka. That quirky but relatively innocuous story encapsulates the winger’s very brief spell as a Bluebird. Kamara’s needle-in-the-haystack was scoring a tasty goal that formed part of a Wolverhampton Wanderers demolition job. Darting infield from his right-midfield position, he finished with aplomb. Alas, little else of substance was forthcoming and eventually he moved on to Port Vale. Since then, the son of a man most famous for sporting an awful ‘tache and shrieking “UNBELIEVABLE JEFF“ has regressed to non-league level. Pride is partially restored by virtue of the fact I don’t suppose many other Barrow players have their own websites.

Maros KLIMPL (07/09)
Brief though his spell as a ‘bird may have been (no competitive games played), the triallist was deemed worthy of a place on our most recent Portuguese tour: he even managed to bag a winning goal! Released by FC Midtjylland of Denmark, Klimpl is a versatile Slovakian midfielder with the ability to play the holding and DMC roles (plus centre-back), although evidently versatility isn’t the sole slab of judging criterion for DJ & co. Dundee – a side not even playing in the SPL but spending big bucks to get there – eventually snared him on a three-year deal. His last appearance was in the *giant-killing* cup victory over Aberdeen several weeks back, the Vieira-esque no. 4 picking up a customary yellow rectangle. Did Dave Jones make the right decision in letting him go? Well, as one Motherwell fan so eloquently puts it: “Why waste thousands of pounds a week on a guy that just kicks opponents? You could whistle at any junior ground and get a talentless thug from there for a fraction of the cost. Klimpl was a big f*£%@!g stookie heid.” Presumably so!

Daniel KOLÁŘ (03/09)
Once on the books of European semi-giants Sparta Prague, the much-hyped youngster from the Czech Republic made a solitary appearance for the City against Merthyr Tydfil in March (scoring a rather memorable goal). With Dave Jones cautious about signing youngsters after the Ferretti, Fleetwood and Green failings, the Kolář option was rain-checked and back he went to his Republic. A fledging career continues in the top-flight with multi-colour crested FC Viktoria Plzeň. Daniel is a regular starter – operating just behind the strikers – and enjoys Coca Cola (honestly – it’s not just a weak pun on his name!), Ice Tea, steak, and a whole host of other things that my lack of West Slavic lingo prevents me from discovering.

Nick McCOY (06/06 – 05/07)
Brought in along with Malvin Kamara during the club’s spot of subtle pillaging of Wimbledon’s identity-stealers, McCoy’s noxious attitude and lack of actual ability contributed to his non-existent City career: one that somehow extended all the way to 2007. The waster was last seen floundering for Bishop Stortford reserves in the Capital League (eastern division). McKoy needs a career change more than Mr Kipling a thesaurus.

Phil MULRYNE (07/05 – 05/06)
Helped earn himself a deal with the Bluebirds after scoring an impressive goal against Luciano Spalletti’s Udinese during the 2005 off-season. A midfielder supposedly capable in numerous positions, it would be an understatement to note that we didn’t witness the true ability of a man struggling to banish personal demons. Life post-City has been scophilic, wandering from town to town (Barnsley to King’s Lynn, via Yeovil, Bournemouth and assorted other map-dots), country to country (Legia Warsaw of Poland, Cliftonville of Northern Ireland), collecting fruitless trials, short-term contracts, unrivalled knowledge of service-station pasties, and a wealth of petrol receipts. Phil has now retired from the sport, heaven-bent on modelling a soutane in his native County Down. While others may sneer at such a choice of profession, I’ll opt to wish him the best of luck in the pulpit.

Guylain NDUMBU-NSUNGU (01/06 – 05/06)
Affectionately (?) referred to as Dave by those of us who swore he was really named after a pack of posh chocolates, Ndumbu-Nsungu epitomised hit-&-miss during his sojourn in South Wales. On his game, a decent target man; off it (as he so often was), a work-shy, profligate embarrassment to donkeys everywhere. Lately, Dave has been club-less for 17 months after an unceremonious release by Darlington in 2008. Nevertheless, some Quakers fans still clamour for his return.

Wilson ORUMA (07/08)
After being freed by Marseille, the Nigerian attacking-midfield man (17 Super Eagles caps) briefly chanced his arm at Cardiff City during 2008’s warmest weather-season. Still blowing out twenty-something candles on his cake (just), and with experience at clubs such as Lens, Nancy, Samsunspor (Turkey), Nimes, Servette (Switzerland), and Sochaux prior to docking at the Mediterranean port side, snapping up a player of Oruma’s calibre would have represented a major coup for the Bluebirds. Unfortunately, demands and deadlines weren’t met, and Oruma heaved his suitcase back to France and second-tier side Guingamp. In a manner similar to our club’s very own cup final run, Guingamp went one better and won the cup itself: Oruma providing an assist for the first goal in the showpiece event! With a medal added to his luggage and muscles a year wearier, Oruma was now collecting his worldly goods from a carousel in Zeus’s homeland after netting a deal with Greek Super League side AO Kavala.

QUINCY Owusu-Abeyie (01/09 – 05/09)
The ex-Arsenal trainee was the mercenary who gave me the idea for all this nostalgia. Watching highlights of the Russian League on ESPN late one evening, the both-flank-prowling wideman stroked home the fifth goal for Spartak Moscow during a protocolic victory over Tom Tomsk: what-might-have-been thoughts permeated my mind-musings, and hereafter the trail forked. Quincy’s repeated absences during his loan spell with the club – courtesy of the aforementioned Eastern European giants – were the source of much frustration and debate. Despite the City having a spectacularly useless end to the campaign, Quincy was barely offered a chance to help remedy the slump, seldom even making the matchday squad. One cameo appearance away at Southampton (where admittedly, he did sod all), followed by a helping hand in achieving a seasonal-first three-goal haul versus Barnsley was all we got to see of him in the closing months. I’d been so excited by his arrival: just a few months prior to joining, Quincy put in a phenomenal performance against us for Birmingham City. That, and his quasi-illustrious (albeit chequered) past and standing in the game made for an acquisition that screamed “BIG TIME!!!!” Since departing South Wales on that rather anonymous note, Quincy appeared set to squander his majestic talent. Wasted trials at the likes of Bristol City confirmed this.
However, redemption arrived in the form of Valeri Karpin keeping the Spartak Moscow job on a permanent basis. After all, it was Karpin’s predecessor Michael Laudrup who’d let the Dutch-Ghanaian loose on English football’s second-tier in the first place, and since he’d been given the sack, Karpin was willing to shake Owusu-Abeyie’s Russian Etch A Sketch clean. Things seem to be looking far healthier now for the prodigiously talented winger: Spartak are second in the league, Quincy is Narodnaya Komanda’s first port of call from the bench (that goal I saw him score past Tomsk epitomised how lethal a player he is – or could have been for us had we bothered to utilize him – on the counter-attack), and the man not deemed good enough for the Bluebirds bench will be rubbing shoulders with the likes of Leo Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan in next season’s Champions League.

Iwan REDAN (01/07 – 05/07)
A Surinamese striker with pace and power making waves in the Eredivisie. Sound familiar? To followers of Oranje-flavoured football, this is a scenario that generally plays out each season as numerous neophytes burst in to XIs nationwide. Alas, breakthrough sealed, so began young Iwan’s descent to the proverbial wayside. Tales of ugly footballer-style excess, car crashes, and the dissipation of that famous burst of pace culminated in Redan leaving the Netherlands after offering a teammate a Glaswegian kiss.
The Dutchman’s locomotive had ground to a permanent shrieking halt at the perdition that is Stagnation Station. Below the platforms, Cardiff City were one of the retail outlets Redan browsed at during his time in the concourse. A player once dubbed the ‘new Patrick Kluivert‘ scarcely featured in the blue shirt despite arriving with a commendable career goal tally. Even when he did get opportunities, it was only to be upstaged by youngsters against the likes of Carmarthen Town. Since his time in Glamorgan, the Surinamese stroller has lugged his socks & shinnies to Aris Thessaloniki (Greece), RKC Waalwijk, RBC Roosendaal, AEP Paphos (Cyprus), Excelisor, and Germany’s VfL Osnabrück respectively. Most recently, Redan has embarked upon fruitless trials with FC Zwolle, and latterly, Den Bosch. It would appear the flâneur’s train is still lifeless at the aforementioned rail stop, doing little more than gathering rust and ‘NCF’ graffiti.

James SIMMONDS (01/07 – 06/07)
Lots of clubs stock this kind of pen-pusher: someone you’re told is on the books at the club, who turns up for training, and plays for the reserves; yet they never, ever get assigned first-team duties. For other examples, see the curious case of Denes Rosa at Wolverhampton, or the most famous of them all, Winston Bogarde at Chelsea. Simmonds lodged with us for a wedge of the 2006-07 season, ostensibly on loan from Bogarde’s former paymasters. The right-footed left-sided Irish midfielder then hedged his bets at QPR, before sinking all the way down to Dover Athletic. After yet more come-to-nothingness, Simmonds jetted out to Spain to take up a residency at Glenn Hoddle’s Academy: a place where Wycombe Wanderers rejects can earn contracts at La Liga teams like Sevilla. Instead of putting in crosses for the likes of Fabiano and Kanoute, Simmonds has had to settle for the modest surroundings of third-tier Spanish outfit Écija Balompié since graduating.

Simon WALTON (01/07 – 05/07)
The Yorkshireman always seemed to take to the turf as cheesed off as a sheep farmer who’s just spotted his finest ewe making small-talk over the fence with the bulls in a neighbouring field. Complementing that, Walton holds the accolade of being the biggest liability and sloppiest passer of the ball I’ve ever had the misfortune of witnessing. When he wasn’t getting himself sent off or giving possession away, our favour-from-Premier-League-Charlton was busy being a div on the internet. One chortles at the fact that Walton currently finds himself playing in League Two for struggling Crewe Alexandra.